Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What My Kids Would Say If...

You may or may not know, I have this fantasy that indicates I think I am someone special, and should be on The Ellen Show
This goal has nothing to do with me writing a book. In fact, in a letter to Ellen, back in ’06, I told her I wanted to be her first un-famous guest. I would still qualify!
I told my kids we need to start making “Why We Should Be on Ellen “ videos and submit them.
“Make them go viral,” I said and my son’s response was, “but WE don’t wanna go on Ellen--you do”. [he is wrong about that…my daughters would LOVE to go on Ellen!]
Okay, well, my kids won’t write her. I tell them to write her and tell her how great I am. They won’t. They won’t make the videos either.
So, I had this idea today that I would write to her- AS them. Well, that didn’t quite turn out. 
So I just decided to write what my kids would say if asked, “Tell Us About Your Mom”

So here it is:

What My Kids Would Say About Me If…

IN ORDER OF BIRTH [have to do it this way or they fight over somebody being a favorite-I don’t have a favorite]

Adam: Uh-I don’t know. Will she read this? Uh-she’s alright, I guess. [smiles and looks over his shoulder like someone is going to jump out and surprise him] Uh-she’s my mom? [says as question, believing it to be a test of right/wrong answers.] Uh…[struggling to think—eyes brighten—big grin] She wrote a book! It’s about—[slumps slightly] uh-a…little girl? [looks at wife] Ah, hell, I don’t know…ask her [points to wife] She knows that stuff.
Anika: Ki**’s great. Oh, you guys call her Kimberly, don’t you? Yeah, she’s cool. She’s my mother-in-law. We actually went out once. To a karaoke bar. I surprisingly had a good time. It was fun. [looks at Adam. Adam shrugs, confused]
Adam/Anika [in unison- yelling into air] JENNA!

~Enter small 6-year-old child with an over abundant amount of brunette hair topped with princess tiara, carrying a frog in one hand and a Barbie in the other. Looks first at Adam and says “Tape this on there, will ya?” Handing him both of her possessions. He obliges.
Jenna: [looking at her mother, confused] What?
Anika: [whispering] Talk about Grammy
Jenna: I LOVE GRAMMY! Can I have my frog back now?
Adam/Anika: [slightly short of unison] NICK! 
Adam: Ask Nick. He’s her favorite.

Nick: She’s alright. SHE thinks she is pretty cool. I guess she is. She wrote a book and it’s published. I read it along time ago, before it was a book-it’s good. She loves playing the Kevin Bacon Game. She is getting senile.  No not really. But she probably will, someday. It’s gonna be great!  We are so gonna mess with her! [looks at Adam. They both nod and snicker. Jonathan lets out a big “ha ha”]
Adam: Oh yeah it is. [high fives Nick and Jonathan]
Anika: [smacks Adam in the shoulder] Stop it Adam! [yells into other room] Hey, Jessica. Come tell stuff about your mom.

Jessica: [enters room with one dangling iPod earplug] MY mom? Oh [smiles sweetly] okay.  She’s great. She’s really pretty. People say I look exactly like her. Oh, not that I think I am pretty, but people say that all the time. I’m not pretty. But she is. She’s a foxy mama. [says with a growl and flirty raised eyebrows] Oh, and she is really easy to scare. We do it all the time. Just stand behind a door and say “BOO”!  She always jumps. She went airborne once. We should have done it on video. Oh, and she wrote a book. It’s really good. And she sings karaoke. Are there prizes for this? Do I keep going? Cause I can. She’s really short. She has really pretty eyes. She dyed her hair blue by accident once. It was super funny. Okay. I’m stopping now. Give Jennifer a turn. I have to go straighten my hair.

Jennifer:  What are we doing? I am NOT playing the Kevin Bacon game. I hate that game. Oh.  Mom? Mom’s awesome. She is always there when I need to talk. We are a lot alike. I write too. I write songs, mostly, but, I have a book started. She does make me pay rent though, which I think is crap. But, I finally got my own room now. With a door. It’s awesome. Wanna see it? [siblings yell at her to talk about their mom- not her room] I was talkin’ about Mom!  She let me move my room out of the basement into her office. That’s awesome. We wrote a song together the other night-well, part of a song- and then she ditched me. She is awesome, though. But, I’m done playing now. I wanna go play my guitar. Ask Nick-he’s her favorite. [told by others that Nick already had a turn] Oh, well then, ask Jonathan-she spoils him!

Jonathan: Oh man! Why are you asking ME? I don’t know. She wrote a book. I have her eyes. But mine are cooler. [Jennifer demands the others yell at him for talking about himself. They remind her she went to go play her guitar-she stomps off “fine I don’t wanna play this game anyway!” The others laugh-more high-fives exchanged]
Jonathan [continues]: Mom is really annoying. [“JONATHAN!” The others yell in unison, except Adam-he snickers-Anika punches him again] Well, she is. I hate it when she says the word “pompous”. And when she tries to talk slang.

Jessica: You think that stuff is funny. You are always making your facebook status stuff she says.

Jonathan: Yeah, she did say “I just try to keep it real” the other day. That was pretty funny. Oh, and remember when she didn’t know what “that’s what he said” meant? And she kept sayin’ over and over- THAT was hilarious. And, how she ends every word with a “y”.  Like thingy and, what did she say the other day? “Facey-book” What the heck?
Oh, but, she did say last night that her and somebody were “really tight” and I told her “NO! DO NOT SAY THAT! Absolutely not!”
Jessica: Who did she say that about?
Jonathan: I don’t know. Her and Ellen, I think-OH no, wait-it was about YOU and Ellen. She was saying since Ellen follows you on Twitter, you guys were really tight. I don’t know. It’s Mom. Whatever!
Jessica: Ellen and I ARE tight. Man, we are like this! [holds up crossed fingers]
Nick: You wish!
Adam: Ellen follows you on TWITTER? What the heck?
Nick: Duh, Adam where have you been?
Anika: Even I knew that!
Adam: Nobody tells me anything
Nick:  You just don’t pay attention
Adam: Shut up, Nick!
Jennifer: [yells from the other room] None of you are talking about Mom!
[in unison]: Yeah we are!
Jennifer: Did you even say Mom wants to BE on Ellen? No, you didn’t.
Nick: Oh yeah, she wants to be on Ellen. But, I ain’t gonna be on TV
Jessica: Whatever Nick. If Mom goes on Ellen, you will too, go.
Nick: I didn’t say I wouldn’t GO- I said I wouldn’t be on TV
Jessica: Heck, I will! I better be on TV!
Jennifer: I am the one who should be on TV!
Jonathan: Not about you, Jennifer!
Adam: Wait! [stands up with hands in air] WAIT! MOM’S GONNA BE ON ELLEN ??
Unison: Shut up, Adam!
Mom (aka, Me-aka, Kimberly) [enters room]: Ooh, what’s going on? Are we playing the  Kevin Bacon game? I’m down!

[Jonathan changes his Facebook status...]

Probably should have called it "Why I Will Never Get on Ellen!" LOL!
P.S.  Ellen really DOES follow my daughter on Twitter! (@jessicaangelina Go check it out!)

That's all 
Until next time,


  1. hahahha, i laughed out loud. you have us prettty understooood :)

  2. I try, my sweet! What you should do is @TheEllenShow...since she follows you and all! HA!
    glad you laughed!

    Love ya!

  3. Hi, I'm over from Say Hi Sunday. Great post and blog! I'm your newest follower.

  4. Hi Marguerite and thanks for stopping by. Hope you come again. I stopped by your place...looks very nice. And tasty!

    Stop in again

  5. That is so funny; your kids sounds interesting.

  6. Toyin- Thanks for stopping by and yes my kids are both interesting and funny! They keep my life full of laughter! Granted, they are mostly laughing AT me, but it is still a fantastic world! I have been blessed!

    Thanks again for coming by the blog!

  7. Very nice! I am really intrigued by this blogpost! It's so real I kept smiling. So glad we connected-I'll be passing this blog on to my friends. Way to go! I will be following you on twitter (http://www.twitter.com/ljjgordon)

  8. Thanks for reading and passing me along! I love sharing! :)

    Glad you smiled!
    Stop by anytime.