Monday, April 19, 2010

And so it is finally here....

What is finally here? THIS WEEK! The week prior to my vacation. I have had this planned for 3 months now and it is finally here.
I leave Saturday for my first solo vacation EVER!! That's right. Not since I left home at 18 have I gone anywhere by myself. Isn't that crazy? That's what 26 years of kids will do to ya!
Where am I going? Well, first, Saturday I am taking a bus to Omaha to spend the weekend with my best friend. I chose a bus because it is cheaper but also am using the 5 hours as research for the know, hands on feeling of travel on a bus. Not even taking laptop...gonna write with pen and paper just like my 1974 era main character.
Then Monday morning, I take to the skies and fly to Colorado. Haven't flown since 1986! Well, except for a short helicopter ride I took at an airshow a few years back.
So, a little nervous about that but it is a non-stop and only 2 hours. And I love to fly so I'm thrilled.
So much to do this week though. Gotta get the house in order so kids don't mess it up (man, who am I kidding?) and get all my stuff packed. Will be gone a month so am taking the works. I know, a month, right?
I will be gone for Mother's Day. That will be strange. But, I will be with MY mother. That does count since I haven't been since 1986! Holy crap! That sounds really crazy, doesn't it. Well, she lives there, I live here and since I have not gone all adds up. Still crazy!
I have something odd plaguing me excited as I am to go...and as much as I have looked forward to this...I can't wait to get home. What the heck is that? Is it because I have never done this? Is it some kind of sixth sense? What is it? Is it some kind of weird accomplishment thing. Once I am back, I will have succeeded? I have had this whole, "I just want it to be here so I am there" thing going on. Like a goal that I reach kind of feeling. Then I have anticipated and worried about the kids dealing with the "on their own" thing....I shouldn't. They are great kids and I know they will do fine. What is it? Deep down, I worry about Dad, too. What if something happens? Although I have nothing that indicates I should worry. But I do. Maybe that is just what I do. Maybe it is the lack of control. Being in my position, as Mom and household "manager", I have always been in control. Not in a bad way but in a "keep things going" way. I need to relax and enjoy, I know. I need to put this energy into my book. Use the way I feel and give it to my character. She too has left home for the first time and the fear she must have, I have not conveyed. I have come to realize that excitement is only one of the emotions she has. And, although I am not a child like she is, I feel like one. This is going to be a great vacation. I really feel that.
Bittersweet on many levels. I haven't mention WHY I am going. We lost a very special person in our life last October. My mom's husband of 29 years passed away. My kids lost their Papa; my mom lost her best friend and I lost my "daddy". The term "step-father" never applied. It was sudden and I think, still, we are in disbelief. The kids and I went to Colorado when it happened and still it doesn't seem real.
So, now, six months later, I return to help with the estate sale. The task of choosing what to keep and what not. I go to help my mom and sister decide what part of their everyday life can be parted with. See, I have it easy. My everyday life did not change. My day in and day out existence stayed the same. Sad as that is, life for me went on. Theirs came to a crashing halt. I can be in denial for the rest of my life and pretend he is still there...they can not. They have dealt with it everyday for the last six months. I have not. When I get there though, I will not be able to pretend it did not happen. He won't be at work. I know that deep down, this is not a "fun" vacation. I know this will not be easy. And deep down, I don't want to do it. But, I know my mom doesn't either. My sister doesn't either. But, I also know we NEED to do this. My mom needs to do this.
And so that is why I go. And maybe that is the apprehension I feel. Until now, I could just pretend it is a "fun" time. Bittersweet. It will be fun. We will make it fun. We have to make it a good time. Tears, yes! There will be many. But, ones of good memories too. He was an awesome man! A truly great guy. So much fun! And so many laughs. Laughed til we cried! And that won't change!
Until next time and probably from Colorado...

Saturday, April 17, 2010


So, I was doing some email checking and facebook searching and came across one of those survey know the ones. Yeah, well this one was a little different. The questions it asked were very deep. Like do you want to marry and why. (okay that one a little middle school but not really) What is your purpose in life? Better. Do you think dreams have meaning? WOW! What do you want to do with your life? Hard. Who is your hero and why? Great! Do you believe in soul mates? Love it. And my personal favorite...Are you pleased with yourself and why or why not. HOLY CRAP!

Think about your answers to these questions and you may realize why I am so stunned. Normally these surveys are pointless and juvenile. This one really made me think. And I still am. I started to answer them there and realized THIS is where I need to address them.

The married one. WOW! That one, at first, seemed so 6th grade. But then I thought about the real question and my answer. First of all, a sixth grader would probably answer "YES!" without even thinking about it as she would be thinking pretty white dress, flowers, rings, romance and cake. And I think for most of us when we first got married, that IS what we were thinking. It was the WEDDING we wanted.
I can only speak for myself. But I am pretty well versed on this subject. I have been married 3 times! YEAH, I said 3. Each time was different. Each time was special. Each time was because of love but underneath that was other things. Lets tear it apart and see where I go...LOL! Might learn something about me here. HMMMMM...

Okay first time...
I was head over heels. That young fancy love. That silly young stuff. But, wow! IT WAS HUGE! Two kids but young love, pretty boy, we were doomed.

Well, it was love. He was funny and laughed a lot. He wasn't a pretty boy and due to my first husband's "cute so all the women wanted him" demeanor, I liked that. He took to my boys and wanted kids of his own. I did love him. I loved him very much. We had fun together. But, he is only good in the "honeymoon" stage and then too negative and self-centered. Three kids but couldn't take the negativity!

So, then what made me do it again? Yeah, well...
When I was 36, I met a guy. He was handsome, charming in a bad boy way, protective, outgoing, and 27! But I was crazy in love. More than I ever had been. It felt so different on so many levels. It was deep. Into my soul. He truly was my best friend. But, he was angry at life and didn't have faith that he could be loved. We loved him no matter what he did. He would curse and yell. He was rude and would just take off out of anger. We loved him anyway. This went on for years. It got better. He got better and we were good together. But, just like that it changed. He became who he used to be. Yelling and cursing. Rude. Mean. And, then he left. Just like that. I didn't chase after him like in the past and I didn't beg him to come back. We (the kids and me) let him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

So, do I want to be married?
No, not because I want to be married. I want a best friend and I want to be one. Forever. Not only while it suits them or gives them something. I want a person to share my life with and be shared with. I want it to be a two way street not a one way alley. My past relationships have not be two way. In someway they were all one sided. That isn't the way it is supposed to be; I want to be loved like I love. Deeply and unconditionally. The way my parents love each other. I want to be the breath he takes every morning and the dreams he has at night. I want him to see who I really am and love me even more than he loved who he saw on the outside. I want to feel like I am his world and not question for a minute how he feels. And I want him to feel the same. No negative, self-centered wannabe bullies need apply. I want romance and tenderness. Outgoing playfulness. Strong but not mean. I want real love and if that leads to marriage, so be it. Am I looking for marriage? No! Am I looking for anything? No. If it finds me, am I ready? Yeah, I am. Do I believe in soul mates? Damn straight I do. What is my purpose? Still working on that. Am I pleased? Yes, I am. I have raised 5 great kids in times of complete stress and they love the heck out of me and I worship them! I am a good friend and a great daughter. My parents are proud of who I have become. I am funny and silly yet not immature. I can overcome huge odds. I am doing ok. Even on a bad hair day. LOL! The weight issue is there and I am at odds with it but it doesn't define who I am. I am the same person- there is just more of me to love! HA!
Again, this blog didn't turn out how I intended. But, it's here all the same. I should make notes first so I say what I want instead of my brain leading the way down the path of rambling. Oh well, the questions are can still answer them. What are your thoughts? It's very therapeutic. Really. Not as good as fishing but what the heck. Still works.
I wish I were fishing. Sitting quietly on the bank, sun shining warm, soft smell of weeds and dirt, line in the water, pole in my hand, cool drink beside me, slight tug on my line...wait for it....wait for it.....ahhhhh, yes! I wish I were fishing.
Until next time.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Still Here....

And so I am still here and apparently averaging a blog every 10 days. NOT a good record. At least not what I was aiming for. But, not bad considering the countless hard copy attempts at the same thing dating back to 1987. Probably earlier if I really look.
So, what is there about today; right now that sparked this once again lame attempt at communication and who exactly am I communicating to? WOW, that was a horrible sentence. And probably not one by definition but I do know what I asked so I will continue. What sparked it? Well, I thought "damn, I should write a little tonight" and then I said "oh but its almost 2" and then I thought, "hey I haven't been on my little blog site in a while. I should probably go there." And here I am.
This is ridiculously lame. Good lord. Maybe I need therapy. No, this is cheaper and far more fun. Fun for me, anyway. You? Well, don't know what to tell you there. Still reading? Maybe YOU need therapy. Or a puppy. Hell, go play scrabble with yourself. Just kidding. If anyone is out there reading, well read on, my friend. And welcome to my world of wordy madness.
Okay now who am I communicating to. Is that even right. Can you communicate TO someone. Don't you have to communicate WITH them? I mean by definition anyway? I should have probably said who am I writing to. Or for? Who am I writing for? Oh, gracious!
I think I have already covered my inability to write properly. Correctly? Well, yeah, you know. That was always my problem in writing my great novel. The run on sentences, passive voice;the list goes on and on. I fixed that problem though. Gave my main character the same inability. Plus she's 11. And from Iowa. So yeah, she writes like an 11 year old little girl from Iowa in 1974. Perfect for me! I have managed to put over 20,000 words on paper now. Pretty happy about that. It's getting good. I am once again happy with it's direction. Good stuff. I will let you know when it's available at Kmart.
We grilled this weekend. The weather was glorious. The burgers were superb and the company was excellent. My kids, my brother and the grand baby. Only one of three, but still a good day. Tomorrow is basement cleaning day. I am actually excited about it. How sad is that? True though. Been looking forward to it. But, I get benefit out of it. The craft room will be up and functional. That is a good thing. And my daughters room will be functional! THAT is a good thing.
So, life is filled with good things. Soon to be clean basement. Character heading in the right direction and book coming to life. Vacation to Colorado in 10 days! Life is good.
Don't get me wrong though...I still have bad hair days, even though I just went yesterday for cut and color...ugh! Ask in a week. My weight still has me in a mess! What the heck...the earth must be a weird gravitational pull. Yeah, I am gonna go with that one. And well...hell, I'm cleaning my own basement and I started my own grill. You figure it out. But dirty socks to pick up and the toilet seat is always down! Life is good!
Okay, done for now. These really will get better. Really. I think I wait until too late at night to be inspired. No, actually I don't write here when I'm inspired. I write here when I am bored and about to go to bed. It's clear my head time. I will try to write when inspired just once. Or maybe just have an actual topic. That would maybe at least serve a purpose.
So, there you have it...boredom sparked it and well, I'm writing to you!
Goodnight, my friend.
Until next time

Saturday, April 10, 2010


I am betting that the word procrastination is a synonym for Casey! I have walked twice since I last wrote and not even attempted Jane. Isn't that sad? I have now only 2 weeks to get going on this. Actually, the weight is coming off with the omission of soda from the diet. But it's the toning. And the overall "feel good" part. Only exercise will define that.

You know, these blogs were not supposed to be about my inability to lose weight. Not at all. They were meant to be a sounding board for my writing. Or a venting post for my lack there of or my misguided ramblings in the writing that is NOT supposed to contain that.

Yes, this was for the rambling. For the left over stuff that floats around up there. Wish I knew dream analysis. Had a good one last night. Well, not a good dream but a good one for analyzing. Had the ex in it and he was doing the normal begging thing, I was ignoring. There was a non filtered cigarettes with writing on the paper but of course can not remember what it said. There was rain and a bright pink restored old car (owned by my daughters boss) blocking my way. There was more rain and a pack of wild "mean" dogs. I was trying to get away. Trying to climb a stair case of boulders to get away from dogs. One dog appeared to be "gargoyle like". I reached the top of the boulders and tried to call for help but the numbers I had for people wouldn't work. Were the wrong numbers. And then I woke up.

WHAT THE HECK? I can figure out some of it but some of it is just weird! Okay, most is weird but wow! It was crazy.

That is what this is for. Just rambling. Venting.
The book is coming along fine. Wrote some more in it today. Have finally came to term with some obstacles and I think it will be fine. May have to change the idea of no dialogue. Getting harder to do now that characters need to bond. I hate dialogue. I don't write it well at all. Maybe I will do dialogue "snippets". Yeah, I like that.
Time will tell.
Thanks for listening. I am gonna go to bed for now and start over tomorrow. Jane! Jane! Jane! At least a walk.
Until next time.