Saturday, April 17, 2010


So, I was doing some email checking and facebook searching and came across one of those survey know the ones. Yeah, well this one was a little different. The questions it asked were very deep. Like do you want to marry and why. (okay that one a little middle school but not really) What is your purpose in life? Better. Do you think dreams have meaning? WOW! What do you want to do with your life? Hard. Who is your hero and why? Great! Do you believe in soul mates? Love it. And my personal favorite...Are you pleased with yourself and why or why not. HOLY CRAP!

Think about your answers to these questions and you may realize why I am so stunned. Normally these surveys are pointless and juvenile. This one really made me think. And I still am. I started to answer them there and realized THIS is where I need to address them.

The married one. WOW! That one, at first, seemed so 6th grade. But then I thought about the real question and my answer. First of all, a sixth grader would probably answer "YES!" without even thinking about it as she would be thinking pretty white dress, flowers, rings, romance and cake. And I think for most of us when we first got married, that IS what we were thinking. It was the WEDDING we wanted.
I can only speak for myself. But I am pretty well versed on this subject. I have been married 3 times! YEAH, I said 3. Each time was different. Each time was special. Each time was because of love but underneath that was other things. Lets tear it apart and see where I go...LOL! Might learn something about me here. HMMMMM...

Okay first time...
I was head over heels. That young fancy love. That silly young stuff. But, wow! IT WAS HUGE! Two kids but young love, pretty boy, we were doomed.

Well, it was love. He was funny and laughed a lot. He wasn't a pretty boy and due to my first husband's "cute so all the women wanted him" demeanor, I liked that. He took to my boys and wanted kids of his own. I did love him. I loved him very much. We had fun together. But, he is only good in the "honeymoon" stage and then too negative and self-centered. Three kids but couldn't take the negativity!

So, then what made me do it again? Yeah, well...
When I was 36, I met a guy. He was handsome, charming in a bad boy way, protective, outgoing, and 27! But I was crazy in love. More than I ever had been. It felt so different on so many levels. It was deep. Into my soul. He truly was my best friend. But, he was angry at life and didn't have faith that he could be loved. We loved him no matter what he did. He would curse and yell. He was rude and would just take off out of anger. We loved him anyway. This went on for years. It got better. He got better and we were good together. But, just like that it changed. He became who he used to be. Yelling and cursing. Rude. Mean. And, then he left. Just like that. I didn't chase after him like in the past and I didn't beg him to come back. We (the kids and me) let him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

So, do I want to be married?
No, not because I want to be married. I want a best friend and I want to be one. Forever. Not only while it suits them or gives them something. I want a person to share my life with and be shared with. I want it to be a two way street not a one way alley. My past relationships have not be two way. In someway they were all one sided. That isn't the way it is supposed to be; I want to be loved like I love. Deeply and unconditionally. The way my parents love each other. I want to be the breath he takes every morning and the dreams he has at night. I want him to see who I really am and love me even more than he loved who he saw on the outside. I want to feel like I am his world and not question for a minute how he feels. And I want him to feel the same. No negative, self-centered wannabe bullies need apply. I want romance and tenderness. Outgoing playfulness. Strong but not mean. I want real love and if that leads to marriage, so be it. Am I looking for marriage? No! Am I looking for anything? No. If it finds me, am I ready? Yeah, I am. Do I believe in soul mates? Damn straight I do. What is my purpose? Still working on that. Am I pleased? Yes, I am. I have raised 5 great kids in times of complete stress and they love the heck out of me and I worship them! I am a good friend and a great daughter. My parents are proud of who I have become. I am funny and silly yet not immature. I can overcome huge odds. I am doing ok. Even on a bad hair day. LOL! The weight issue is there and I am at odds with it but it doesn't define who I am. I am the same person- there is just more of me to love! HA!
Again, this blog didn't turn out how I intended. But, it's here all the same. I should make notes first so I say what I want instead of my brain leading the way down the path of rambling. Oh well, the questions are can still answer them. What are your thoughts? It's very therapeutic. Really. Not as good as fishing but what the heck. Still works.
I wish I were fishing. Sitting quietly on the bank, sun shining warm, soft smell of weeds and dirt, line in the water, pole in my hand, cool drink beside me, slight tug on my line...wait for it....wait for it.....ahhhhh, yes! I wish I were fishing.
Until next time.

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