Monday, April 19, 2010

And so it is finally here....

What is finally here? THIS WEEK! The week prior to my vacation. I have had this planned for 3 months now and it is finally here.
I leave Saturday for my first solo vacation EVER!! That's right. Not since I left home at 18 have I gone anywhere by myself. Isn't that crazy? That's what 26 years of kids will do to ya!
Where am I going? Well, first, Saturday I am taking a bus to Omaha to spend the weekend with my best friend. I chose a bus because it is cheaper but also am using the 5 hours as research for the know, hands on feeling of travel on a bus. Not even taking laptop...gonna write with pen and paper just like my 1974 era main character.
Then Monday morning, I take to the skies and fly to Colorado. Haven't flown since 1986! Well, except for a short helicopter ride I took at an airshow a few years back.
So, a little nervous about that but it is a non-stop and only 2 hours. And I love to fly so I'm thrilled.
So much to do this week though. Gotta get the house in order so kids don't mess it up (man, who am I kidding?) and get all my stuff packed. Will be gone a month so am taking the works. I know, a month, right?
I will be gone for Mother's Day. That will be strange. But, I will be with MY mother. That does count since I haven't been since 1986! Holy crap! That sounds really crazy, doesn't it. Well, she lives there, I live here and since I have not gone all adds up. Still crazy!
I have something odd plaguing me excited as I am to go...and as much as I have looked forward to this...I can't wait to get home. What the heck is that? Is it because I have never done this? Is it some kind of sixth sense? What is it? Is it some kind of weird accomplishment thing. Once I am back, I will have succeeded? I have had this whole, "I just want it to be here so I am there" thing going on. Like a goal that I reach kind of feeling. Then I have anticipated and worried about the kids dealing with the "on their own" thing....I shouldn't. They are great kids and I know they will do fine. What is it? Deep down, I worry about Dad, too. What if something happens? Although I have nothing that indicates I should worry. But I do. Maybe that is just what I do. Maybe it is the lack of control. Being in my position, as Mom and household "manager", I have always been in control. Not in a bad way but in a "keep things going" way. I need to relax and enjoy, I know. I need to put this energy into my book. Use the way I feel and give it to my character. She too has left home for the first time and the fear she must have, I have not conveyed. I have come to realize that excitement is only one of the emotions she has. And, although I am not a child like she is, I feel like one. This is going to be a great vacation. I really feel that.
Bittersweet on many levels. I haven't mention WHY I am going. We lost a very special person in our life last October. My mom's husband of 29 years passed away. My kids lost their Papa; my mom lost her best friend and I lost my "daddy". The term "step-father" never applied. It was sudden and I think, still, we are in disbelief. The kids and I went to Colorado when it happened and still it doesn't seem real.
So, now, six months later, I return to help with the estate sale. The task of choosing what to keep and what not. I go to help my mom and sister decide what part of their everyday life can be parted with. See, I have it easy. My everyday life did not change. My day in and day out existence stayed the same. Sad as that is, life for me went on. Theirs came to a crashing halt. I can be in denial for the rest of my life and pretend he is still there...they can not. They have dealt with it everyday for the last six months. I have not. When I get there though, I will not be able to pretend it did not happen. He won't be at work. I know that deep down, this is not a "fun" vacation. I know this will not be easy. And deep down, I don't want to do it. But, I know my mom doesn't either. My sister doesn't either. But, I also know we NEED to do this. My mom needs to do this.
And so that is why I go. And maybe that is the apprehension I feel. Until now, I could just pretend it is a "fun" time. Bittersweet. It will be fun. We will make it fun. We have to make it a good time. Tears, yes! There will be many. But, ones of good memories too. He was an awesome man! A truly great guy. So much fun! And so many laughs. Laughed til we cried! And that won't change!
Until next time and probably from Colorado...

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