Friday, June 24, 2011
Employers Hate That!**
So, as you all may have figured out, my mother stayed an extra week. That of course would be why I have been so quiet. Not that she had me duct-taped to a time-out chair or anything—just busy. And while I promised you a run-down of the pre-arrival, actual visit and post departure details, I am opting out of that now, as there is no need to burden you with the amount of cleaning supplies necessary to please my mother. (The jury is still out on that anyway…not sure there are enough scouring pads in existence to deem her pleased.)
However, she did have a good time here, a nice flight home and is now snuggling with her cats—one a cross-eyed , “I own this house but don’t talk to me” male cat named Mickey Blue Eyes, and the other, a beautiful long haired female Siamese, with an attitude, named Cleo. It’s quite possible she once belonged to Hitler. She even has the mustache.
But, Mom is safe and sound and that is the important thing.
So, now, what will I burden you with? Well, if you pay attention, you will know I am job hunting. Yes, I said job hunting. To those of you out there wondering about the fact I wrote a book—please Google “starving writer”—that crap is real!
But, about job hunting. I like to refer to the process as killing the self-esteem one resume at a time. And while that could be negative, I am turning it positive and just revamping my current standing in the self-esteem department. Let’s see if I can elaborate.
First, I have always considered myself to be dependable and hard-working. Second, I am honest and loyal. Third, I am motivated and a team player. Perhaps this overdose of high self-esteem is hurting me. For example:
Dependable and hard-working means I will arrive every day and do my job well. I will go above the call of duty, thus deserving an excellent report at the end of probation evaluation in 90 days and maybe even get a little raise.
Employers hate that!
Honest and loyal means I am trustworthy and I will learn all I can to improve my skills and have huge potential as a long term employee. There will be no reason to lay me off or terminate our relationship. That could lead to more hours, perhaps generate a nomination for Employee of the Month…my own parking place, and maybe, even benefits!
Employers hate that!
Motivated and a team player means that I don’t need babysat or supervised and I am well liked by my fellow employees. That means I could outshine my supervisor. Maybe outshine them right out of a job and the other employees would love me even more and, quite likely, throw me a party!
Employers hate that!
With this new knowledge of the system, awareness of potential employer fear, and sheer desperation, I have devised a fool proof criteria for getting a job. It involves those dreaded interview questions…
#1) I will answer questions with questions. For instance, when they ask “Why do you want to work here?” I will answer, “Why wouldn’t I want to work here? You work here and you are awesome!”
#2) I will openly discuss my weaknesses as if employment there will cure me. “I tend to run late, but I want to be here so much, I will show up yesterday!”
#3)When asked to describe conflict at my last job, I will explain, "my lawyer says I can’t discuss it but the judge scared me so bad, I won’t ever do it that way again!"
#4) When they ask why they should hire me, I will say, "I work cheap, never need a raise, won’t expect many hours, laugh at the idea of benefits and"— the sure fire way to land the job…
"I can ask 'Do you want fries with that?' in 3 different languages!"
Like I said, killing the self-esteem one resume at a time!
Until Next Time,
**Please be assured this post is not meant to offend any of the following:
people who sell fries, French or otherwise; Hitler buffs or Siamese cat lovers; people with low, high or no self-esteem; people who use duct-tape; people who have been advised by their lawyer or scared by a judge; and finally,
any employer who welcomes potential Employees of the Month or by some chance has my resume on their desk.