Where's My Creative Flow?

Write.
File. Select all. Delete.
Write.
Repeat.
What is wrong with my creative flow? Where are my words of wisdom? Humor? New thought provoking posts, are empty pages or lonely drafts, unseen by others and taunting to me.
There was one about my Princess status being revoked, complete with my utter dismay, chronological analyzation, and a major bashing of all known "Princes"...respect for my male followers put that one on the "Save for Later" list.
The one about my job and the amount of testosterone I am amid daily, comparing it to marriage, due to my need for medication and the desire to throw heavy objects, was completely deleted as it was somewhat incriminating and, while, hysterically funny, not a good idea-I still work there!
And the one about my sister and her recent dealing with marital abandonment and complete disrespect by her husband of 22 years, my dumb-ass brother in law, What's His Face, is being saved and turned into a private, personal email that I will send when the time is right.
So, what's left?
Well, there is Christmas and the Santa debate. You know the one where people don't believe. I mean, come on. That notion that the parents do the gifts and eat the cookies. That can't be right. My parents would NOT come into my house in the middle of the night, leave presents under the tree and eat the cookies. They just wouldn't DO that. Besides, we go to their house and exchange gifts. They don't need to do it in secret. So, that idea just doesn't hold water. So, that post didn't either. It's an open and shut case! Santa is real!


So, that leaves the stand by post for end of year creative drought....

Things to Accomplish in 2012

Most lists I have seen have 100.  However, due to a severe and chronic case of procrastination, I will start with 10. These are in no particular order...

Go on a Real Date. (*Note: Going to the corner bar, the drive-thru at McDonalds or running to Kmart is NOT a date!)
Organize the House (this could take most of 2012 and should not be taken lightly or seriously...a 2-1/2- year-old lives here with her 18-year-old father!)
Stop Smoking (YEAH....there is the humor!)
Lose Weight (this would be weight gained by trying/accomplishing the above goal! Thinking ahead here!)
Write More (Write in this blog, expand on novel #2, finish a couple short stories, catch up on letters to family/friends, emails, notes to the kids, and write and send a letter to Santa to thank him!)
Smile More at the People I Meet. After all, I paid a lot of money for these teeth....May as well show 'em off!
Regain Princess Status...can be done with a pair fancy shoes, a shiny diamond necklace, and a new sparkly dress! Or, according to my granddaughter, I can marry a Prince...I'll take the shoes!
Redecorate My Kitchen Can you say fire engine red microwave?
Take Myself on a Date. (*Note: Going to the corner bar, the drive-thru at McDonalds or running to Kmart IS a date!)
Sleep Sounder, Dream Bigger, Live Fuller, Eat Better, Love Unconditionally, and Always, and I mean ALWAYS, Have an Alibi!

Write.
File. Select all. Post
Write.
Repeat.

Until Next Time,
Kimberly

Top Ten Defining Moments

I have this friend. She is amazing beyond words. I laugh so hard my face hurts for days. And she makes me think. She is a therapist so I get a lot of free counseling. LOL!
She asked me the other day to come up with my ten most defining moments. Can you believe that? In all my life, with 3 ex-husbands, five children, 3 grandchildren and oodles of strangeness in my head, she wants me to come up with only 10 defining moments.
Of course, at first thought, I was down to five as the births of my children would have to be there. Well, I thought about it and decided they were not going to be on this list. (YIKES!)
While each one is special in their own right and each birth unique, those moments did not define me. As I became a mother long before their birth. Which took me to my first defining moment. Now, most of these are just in the order I thought of them, or in the order I want to talk about them. They are not chronological nor in order of importance. Except maybe this first one….


#1 When I told my father I was having my first child
It was that moment in time that I felt like a mother. He was so happy and so proud. He picked me up and twirled me around. At that very moment, I knew I was doing something phenomenal! He made me feel like that. I was going to be a mother. And my father will say that is the noblest job in the world. He thinks mothers rank right up there with God, The President, and Stan Musical. Yes, Stan the Man. When he asked when I was due and I replied with “April 25th” He exclaimed, “A SPRING TRAINING BABY!” Definitely, my most defining moment!
Now, in no particular order or importance!

~~When my husband said he didn’t know if he loved me.
That’s all there is to that one. At the time, it was horrifying. Now, I am just grateful!

~~When I wrote THE END on Just Sippy
As a writer, there have many attempts at “the book”. When I started Just Sippy I was at work and the first line came to my head. I immediately wrote it down as a text in my phone. When I went home that night and put it into the computer; I had almost the whole first chapter done that night. I wrote the next day and the next. I just knew. I knew this was the one. I told my mom and my kids. I told my dad. And my friends. For the next several months, they agonized while I wrote and read to them. Finally my son said, I don’t want to know any more. Wait til it’s done. Then I really knew. I started sending chapters to my mom and sister. They were begging for more. I struggled over time lines and events. I re-wrote. Changed the storyline twice. And then one day, it just clicked. Fell into place and I wrote THE END. My friend walked into my office just as I did it and I told her. She jumped up and down and then I cried. It was done. Bittersweet I think as I had spent so much time with my characters, they had become family. It was hard to not be with them everyday.
Until I found a publisher, of course, and the word “edit” entered the picture. Welcome back, guys! HA! Enter my next great defining moment

~~When I found out Just Sippy was going to be published.
Enough said really. Can’t put it into words. Seeing it out there. Hearing people say they loved it. There are no words. The moments continue to be defining! I am growing and learning more each and every day more of what makes me who I am and who I have yet to become.

~~The day my grandmother died.
This would be my maternal grandmother. Since I was the product of a teen pregnancy, my maternal grandmother and I were very close. I spent a lot of time with her and my grandfather. She always had heart trouble but as a child I was unaware. I thought ALL grandma’s had those little white pills. She died suddenly one Sunday night when I was 14. I remember my mother running out of the house and I knew something was wrong. She came home late that night and told me she had died. It was the first time someone close to me passed away. I felt so bad for my grandfather as he was just so sad. He and I became closer after that. I felt the need to take care of him. Enter my need to “fix” everything maybe.

~~ The day my brother said “I’m not retarded anymore”
My brother, diagnosed with cerebral palsy and mild retardation at 18 months old, is my best bud! Always has been my shadow. Two years younger I taught him to walk, dress himself, and dance. He has always been there in my life. We never made him feel incapable of doing something. He was always told he could do anything. When he was little he wore a helmet to protect his head from falls. He was never allowed to get up and walk without it. I remember one day when we were about 13 and 15, he was sitting on the couch and he just took his helmet off and said “I am not retarded anymore.” I didn’t think he even knew the word “retarded” as I myself hated it. (Punched a kid once but that is another story). Mom and I both looked at him and Mom asked, “What are you?” Joe just looked at us and said “Just regular”. We laughed and laughed about that. To this day, I feel like we coined the phrase “regular Joe”. And from that day on, Joe was just regular. He never wore that helmet again. He had to do chores and make his own bed. Today, he lives in his own apartment , pays his own bills, and attends and plays in the National Checker Tournament sponsored by the American Checker Federation every year. Just a regular Joe.

~~ When I left home at 18
This one is a given, I think. Everyone probably considers leaving home a defining moment. But, I was 18 and had just graduated high school; As valedictorian, I was definitely heading to college. Nope. I shocked my entire graduating class and my parents by leaving California and moving back to my hometown in Iowa. You know…the “I’m taking a year off to find myself”. Without a plan or a job, I moved in with my grandfather. Within a year, I was married. I didn’t attend college until I was well into my 30’s. **NOTE TO SENIORS-Do NOT take a year off!! GO TO COLLEGE NOW!

~~The day my Dad said the words “I have cancer”
This was almost 13 years ago. Those words will never erase from my memory. They resonate in my mind; a permanent stamp in my grey matter. The cancer, found in his mouth was renal cell carcinoma, which if you know anything at all about cancer, that means metastatic cancer, or MOVED from one place to another-in his case kidney to mouth. This was NOT good! He underwent surgery to remove the kidney and an adrenal gland. Years of medicine. He got supper skinny. He got sick again. We had a doctor error. Which led to REALLY REALLY sick! Well, today, Dad still says “I have cancer”. Yes, he is still with us. Still fighting the big fight. It has spread now to other places and he has given all the organs he can. Right now, we are winning with medicine! He can be found handing out cold beer every Wednesday night at our local VFW, telling stories and perfecting the art of making a wicked Shirley Temple. He writes too. He has published 3 of them; Zapata's Horse, Ogallala:The Rise of Morning Sun, and The Minimal Man, all available on Amazon! http://amzn.to/lDQJiI There’s your plug, Dad! I love you!

~~SOLD OUT on Amazon
Self explanatory! And yes, THEY ARE GETTING MORE!! http://amzn.to/jHmtNN

~~Having grandchildren
How much more defined can you be? There really isn’t anything better than when a little mini person calls you Grammy? Or Mimi. Those are my names anyway and it ROCKS! And no, it doesn’t make me feel old at all!!! My son turning 30 in a couple years---yeah, that might!

Okay, so there you have it. My Top Ten Defining Moments. What are yours? This is not as easy as it seems. It is actually quite hard and I will think about it for days and wish I would have put something else on it. There are more moments that have defined me and they are either too personal, too sad, too embarrassing, or not suitable for children. HA!
So, get to it. Give me yours. Comment here or send me a link to your blog about it.
Until next time
Kimberly

What Now?

Well...the results are in!

The "in-house" critic called it "the best story she has ever read" and my sister has not "been this sucked in to a story since The Shack" and also sent me the most touching email ever about the way it made her feel, think, cry and laugh. I am still in the "oh my god" phase of this positive feedback.

My best friend has been reading slowly but did, in fact, blow up my phone for the next chapters. My "northern" best friend also has it but I have not heard any feedback yet...he is, however, a city slicker and probably busy with the night life. I will wait patiently.....LIE...I will text him today!

The kids have begun....they like it, but have not had that "can't put in down...OMG MOM! This is unbelievable!" reviews I was hoping for. A neighbor of my mom's is going to read it, my niece will read and another friend and her daughter will read next week when they return from vacation.
Those reviews will be honest as they do not know the hidden references to my real life that serve as memory or humor to my sister or mom. I wonder if those inferences made it more entertaining for my close family?

But, aside from the others, my dad also has it. Now, he is forgetful so it may take awhile for him to remember he has it. He is also tired and naps alot due to his cancer fighting medications. But, he is also a writer and busy with writing his latest venture, which is about baseball so he is passionate, excited and consumed with finishing it.

But, his review is also important for me...because of his writing, but also, because of his view on the things I wrote about....family, heritage, music, love, God, loss, friendship, and life.

This list could go on and on and be filled with people I want to read the story...I want the world to read it. How do I go about doing that? I have checked into some of it and it seems like a dead-end road. There must be a publisher out there though, looking for this kind of story. I have faith that there is. And I have faith I will find them.

What now?
Re-edit over and over while I look for a publisher to read it?
Keep my head up...
Stay positive.....
Pray......
Have faith....
Maybe I will call Oprah....LOL!

Until next time
Casey

Back in my own land...

Sorry i stopped writing from Colorado. I just couldn't keep up and the negative energy flowed and I won't do that here.
I am home now and back in my own land...my own room, my own bed, my own rules. HA! That is a funny thought that I control this destiny. I so don't.

My life is controlled by outside forces as is everyones. Jobs, work, money, kids, friends...all is controlled. My life as of right now is controlled by my book, my kids, my house...and my money.

Life is good. It is exactly the way it should be. I am happy. I hope my kids are. Granted my son would prefer more frozen pizza and my daughter more mac and cheese. One daughter would prefer less cigarettes and two of my kids would prefer better transportation than they currently have, but overall, happiness is evident.

Goals are still waiting to be reached, however, and deadlines are looming near. It's been a great ride though and although times are about to change, we are ready for those changes. Maybe not welcoming them, but ready all the same.

Friends are plentiful all the way around and that is always a great thing. Great times and good friends. True friends. Not the people you know of or have heard of but the ones that walk in without knocking and can text at all hours...those kind of friends. True ones. The ones who know your parents. The ones who borrow money and pay it back. The ones who would never eat the last oreo or drink the last beer but yet, you wouldn't get mad if they did. Yep, those kinds of friends. We got those!!

So, all in all, life is good. We have sadness and turmoil. But we help each other through it. We have laughs and humor! We have a great time!

That's all for now. It's great to be home, back in my own land!
Until next time,
Casey

DEEP THOUGHTS....

So, I was doing some email checking and facebook searching and came across one of those survey pages...you know the ones. Yeah, well this one was a little different. The questions it asked were very deep. Like do you want to marry and why. (okay that one a little middle school but not really) What is your purpose in life? Better. Do you think dreams have meaning? WOW! What do you want to do with your life? Hard. Who is your hero and why? Great! Do you believe in soul mates? Love it. And my personal favorite...Are you pleased with yourself and why or why not. HOLY CRAP!

Think about your answers to these questions and you may realize why I am so stunned. Normally these surveys are pointless and juvenile. This one really made me think. And I still am. I started to answer them there and realized THIS is where I need to address them.

The married one. WOW! That one, at first, seemed so 6th grade. But then I thought about the real question and my answer. First of all, a sixth grader would probably answer "YES!" without even thinking about it as she would be thinking pretty white dress, flowers, rings, romance and cake. And I think for most of us when we first got married, that IS what we were thinking. It was the WEDDING we wanted.
I can only speak for myself. But I am pretty well versed on this subject. I have been married 3 times! YEAH, I said 3. Each time was different. Each time was special. Each time was because of love but underneath that was other things. Lets tear it apart and see where I go...LOL! Might learn something about me here. HMMMMM...

Okay first time...
I was head over heels. That young fancy love. That silly young stuff. But, wow! IT WAS HUGE! Two kids but young love, pretty boy, we were doomed.

Next...
Well, it was love. He was funny and laughed a lot. He wasn't a pretty boy and due to my first husband's "cute so all the women wanted him" demeanor, I liked that. He took to my boys and wanted kids of his own. I did love him. I loved him very much. We had fun together. But, he is only good in the "honeymoon" stage and then too negative and self-centered. Three kids but couldn't take the negativity!

So, then what made me do it again? Yeah, well...
When I was 36, I met a guy. He was handsome, charming in a bad boy way, protective, outgoing, and 27! But I was crazy in love. More than I ever had been. It felt so different on so many levels. It was deep. Into my soul. He truly was my best friend. But, he was angry at life and didn't have faith that he could be loved. We loved him no matter what he did. He would curse and yell. He was rude and would just take off out of anger. We loved him anyway. This went on for years. It got better. He got better and we were good together. But, just like that it changed. He became who he used to be. Yelling and cursing. Rude. Mean. And, then he left. Just like that. I didn't chase after him like in the past and I didn't beg him to come back. We (the kids and me) let him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

So, do I want to be married?
No, not because I want to be married. I want a best friend and I want to be one. Forever. Not only while it suits them or gives them something. I want a person to share my life with and be shared with. I want it to be a two way street not a one way alley. My past relationships have not be two way. In someway they were all one sided. That isn't the way it is supposed to be; I want to be loved like I love. Deeply and unconditionally. The way my parents love each other. I want to be the breath he takes every morning and the dreams he has at night. I want him to see who I really am and love me even more than he loved who he saw on the outside. I want to feel like I am his world and not question for a minute how he feels. And I want him to feel the same. No negative, self-centered wannabe bullies need apply. I want romance and tenderness. Outgoing playfulness. Strong but not mean. I want real love and if that leads to marriage, so be it. Am I looking for marriage? No! Am I looking for anything? No. If it finds me, am I ready? Yeah, I am. Do I believe in soul mates? Damn straight I do. What is my purpose? Still working on that. Am I pleased? Yes, I am. I have raised 5 great kids in times of complete stress and they love the heck out of me and I worship them! I am a good friend and a great daughter. My parents are proud of who I have become. I am funny and silly yet not immature. I can overcome huge odds. I am doing ok. Even on a bad hair day. LOL! The weight issue is there and I am at odds with it but it doesn't define who I am. I am the same person- there is just more of me to love! HA!
Again, this blog didn't turn out how I intended. But, it's here all the same. I should make notes first so I say what I want instead of my brain leading the way down the path of rambling. Oh well, the questions are here...you can still answer them. What are your thoughts? It's very therapeutic. Really. Not as good as fishing but what the heck. Still works.
I wish I were fishing. Sitting quietly on the bank, sun shining warm, soft smell of weeds and dirt, line in the water, pole in my hand, cool drink beside me, slight tug on my line...wait for it....wait for it.....ahhhhh, yes! I wish I were fishing.
Until next time.
Casey

Another Day in the Life of Me...

Okay, so I promised awhile back that these blogs would start being meaningful or did I say purposeful...is that a word? Is there a difference. I think I meant they would basically get better and not just be rambling. I lied.
I ramble and that is all there is to it. It's a flaw.
So, what is my day like? Well, the sun is out finally which is very welcome. Spring is finally here. I am anxious to plant my flowers and start mowing the grass. I won't have a vegetable garden this year, which saddens me. Okay, maybe I will. Just a few tomato plants and maybe some peppers. Yes, that I will do. Just a small one.
But, back to today.
I am at odds with myself over weight. I did so well over the winter, watching it and making sure I didn't pack on those holiday pounds. I was so proud. And then January came. And I left my job. I started writing full time and OMG...freelance writer weight gain-who knew? It is not pretty. Now, my kids and my friends say oh seriously you look fine. WHO are they kidding? So, I am TRYING to lose it.
It's about 15 pounds so it isn't that bad but why is it those extra pounds all go to the same place? You know, spread out a bit wouldn't be so bad. Like 5 in the belly, 5 in the back side and then split the other five up between the "girls"...I could have lived with that...but noooooo....it is all right in the gut! Damn!
So, now I deal with how to hide it. Can't wear sweatshirts in the high 60's, can't not or people look like "damn, moooooove over". So, I wing it while trying to figure out how to lose it.
So, I stop drinking pop. No more Dr. Pepper...sadness! Then I try to always eat breakfast...Special K and bananas. Not bad. Then I bring on the water. I drink a lot of water anyway so drinking even more...a struggle. Then I try cooking differently and the kids go..."WHAT is THAT?" It's brocolli I reply. They order pizza! NICE!
Then, I try exercising. I hate sit ups-they hurt my back. I hate stair climbing-it hurts my knees. I walk. There we go. Not bad but boring! I get an mp3 player. Aretha, The Beatles, KC and the Sunshine Band...great for walking. Then it rains for 3 days. CRAP!
I have about 24 days to lose this weight. I am going on vacation and I want to look and feel great. I do not at this weight. I have to get tough. I have to get serious! I have to go where all women dread.....
JANE FONDA! OMG! She is vicious! She is drastic! The woman is HITLER!
I will start tomorrow! LOL!!
Hey, it's out of the VCR cabinet!(What can I say-it's an old one! LOL)
But that is the plan. Jane everyday!
For now though, I am gonna go walk. It's a nice day and the kids are here with the grandbaby and she wants to go to the park. And she looks adorable at the park...I will show you a pic....see ain't she the cutest? Yep, she sure is. So, off to the park we go. It's a good mile from the house so get me a good little walk in.
Have a great day.
Until next time,
Casey

Is There Life Out There.....

The question of the day for me...Is there life out there? That is a loaded topic and can mean so many things. No, not really. It is pretty simple, isn't it?
I'm pretty new here, can ya tell? Crap! Newbies! Tourists! Nothing like coming in here with my Hawaiian print button up, wearing my camera around my neck, huh? Oh well, now that you know, I can just move on and enlighten you with what I commonly refer to as, rambling...babbling. i do that a lot just to warn ya. It's my way of coping with boredom, writer's block, happiness, sadness....life!

I am a writer. I think I have already covered that. Probably can't tell by the misuse of words in this blog. The unorganized structure and complete destruction of the English language, made all my teachers cringe. I know. Have struggled with that for a long time. Passive voice! Run-on sentences. Incomplete sentences. OMG! I know! But, doesn't change it. I am a writer.
Currently writing the book that has been in my head for 25 years. Six chapters in and I call myself a writer. That doesn't matter. Called myself that when they were just annoying distractions in my head.
So, lets see...what else defines me? Oh, that is awful. Defines me? Where did that come from? WOW! How about what about me annoys my children? Yeah, that is better. Annoys them and makes them laugh. EVEN BETTER!! Here goes:
I am easy as hell to scare, trick, and make fun of. Jokes about age, not having my own teeth and missing out on a corn dog at last years local carnival are the favorites. So, from that you know I am not a young (under 30) and I don't have my own teeth (I do have teeth though so it isn't all bad) and we have a local carnival every year. (truth is I live for one of their corn dogs and we were flooded out and the carnival left before I got one...it was devastating to me) And if you are really paying attention, you know I have children and I live in the Midwest. (did you catch that one?)
They think I am a geek because I love to learn-my son asked me the difference between DNA and RNA just so he could laugh and tell me I should not know that. I smoke too much and my daughter hates it. I love to write and my other daughter loves it! I always cut my hair and expect them to love it when I hate it. I rearrange the furniture all the time and make two of my sons help. I can remember most any phone number I have ever seen and know the numbers to all local pizza places, 3 convenient stores, Kmart, the local grocery store, Walmart and the place my 2nd husband worked 15 years ago. NOW, out of that you should have gotten that I smoke, order pizza and I have been married at least twice. I have at least two daughters and at least 3 sons. You could conclude that my hair isn't long but not real short either. I am at least semi intelligent (and just so you know, I only knew 2 of the 3 differences between DNA and RNA).
They love it when they make me laugh so hard I cry and they giggle when I cry during sad movies. They don't understand how sad Frosty the Snowman really is! That little Karen sobbing over that puddle of water....oh! Gets me every time. Or when Dorothy is about to get into that hot air baloon and she has to say goodbye and she looks at the Scarecrow...."....miss you most of all" OH...UGH! What a tear jerker. Or when Demi Moore looks into the light and Patrick Swayze is there all gold and glittery....and he tells her he loves her and with that tear rolling down her cheek....."Ditto"....Damn! This list could go on and on.
From that you should have gathered that I am a sentimental sort who loves movies; Ghost and The Wizard of Oz being two of my favorites, but that there are many more. You may have suspected that I like older movies and you would be correct. You may also think that I am a movie quote junkie and again you would be correct. Very good. No points lost if you missed that. No points given if you got it. Cool game, huh?
I will have to ask the kids if there is more they love and don't. We will enjoy going over the list. I will let you know what we come up with.
From that you should get that my kids and I best friends and we love games. Even ones we make up. My son and I played Radar cop last night. Sit on dark street and turn your lights on right as cars pass to watch them hit their brakes---funny shit!!
Okay will let you know if they come up with anything else. My friends would be good ones for this game too. My one friend told me last week her favorite thing about me is my laugh. Isn't that funny? The fact that I am charming, intelligent, loyal, funny, nice, and really pretty doesn't do it for her...no it's my laugh! Go figure!
From that you should have got that I am REALLY FUNNY!!

Until next time
Casey

Tribute to a friend

There is one thing that a woman loves; a man who knows who he is, a man who isn't afraid of who he is and a man who tells her what he wants her to know. This kind of man would never grow old!

I know this man. And he is brilliant in his mind. He recalls poems from his past as if reading them right from a book in front of him, but there is no book. These verses in his mind are about trees and sunsets, waves and brooks. Great loves of late and sad losses of love. They are rich in detail and sweet with sentiment. His voice is gruff but his words are soft. He doesn't care who hears him speak of things so beautiful or sweet; loving or free. He doesn't care if it makes him appear less of a man or not tough enough.

Tonight, he sat with me. We spoke of love and poetry. He smiled when I spoke to him and his eyes had a glimmer, a sparkle that, so often, we miss in men. He put his arm around me and told me he loved the way I loved him. He looked into my eyes and told me he would love to spend the evening with me.

And I smiled. I couldn't help but smile. He then laughed softly and said "you are so very pretty. Why are you so pretty?" I had no answer, but before I could speak, he simply asked me to take him home. I honored that request and pushed his wheelchair through the nursing home halls to the room that he called "home".

His room is small and almost barren compared to the life he has lived. He has had a life full of wonder and amazement. Being a small town girl from Iowa, his life has been far more amazing than I could ever imagine. But, in a few short sentences, he made me feel more amazing than if I were born royalty.

To him, I am not complicated or confusing. And if I am, he simply looked beyond that and told me what he wanted me to know. He knows who is, he isn't afraid of who he is and in December...he will turn 100.

Suddenly, that no longer seems old to me!

This was written last year for a dear friend of mine. He did in fact turn 100 years old that December and told us all he didn't feel 100. He found it hard to believe. Sadly, shortly after that, he quietly passed away as he slept. I will never forget my friend. And he was right, I really did love him.