Where's My Creative Flow?

Write.
File. Select all. Delete.
Write.
Repeat.
What is wrong with my creative flow? Where are my words of wisdom? Humor? New thought provoking posts, are empty pages or lonely drafts, unseen by others and taunting to me.
There was one about my Princess status being revoked, complete with my utter dismay, chronological analyzation, and a major bashing of all known "Princes"...respect for my male followers put that one on the "Save for Later" list.
The one about my job and the amount of testosterone I am amid daily, comparing it to marriage, due to my need for medication and the desire to throw heavy objects, was completely deleted as it was somewhat incriminating and, while, hysterically funny, not a good idea-I still work there!
And the one about my sister and her recent dealing with marital abandonment and complete disrespect by her husband of 22 years, my dumb-ass brother in law, What's His Face, is being saved and turned into a private, personal email that I will send when the time is right.
So, what's left?
Well, there is Christmas and the Santa debate. You know the one where people don't believe. I mean, come on. That notion that the parents do the gifts and eat the cookies. That can't be right. My parents would NOT come into my house in the middle of the night, leave presents under the tree and eat the cookies. They just wouldn't DO that. Besides, we go to their house and exchange gifts. They don't need to do it in secret. So, that idea just doesn't hold water. So, that post didn't either. It's an open and shut case! Santa is real!


So, that leaves the stand by post for end of year creative drought....

Things to Accomplish in 2012

Most lists I have seen have 100.  However, due to a severe and chronic case of procrastination, I will start with 10. These are in no particular order...

Go on a Real Date. (*Note: Going to the corner bar, the drive-thru at McDonalds or running to Kmart is NOT a date!)
Organize the House (this could take most of 2012 and should not be taken lightly or seriously...a 2-1/2- year-old lives here with her 18-year-old father!)
Stop Smoking (YEAH....there is the humor!)
Lose Weight (this would be weight gained by trying/accomplishing the above goal! Thinking ahead here!)
Write More (Write in this blog, expand on novel #2, finish a couple short stories, catch up on letters to family/friends, emails, notes to the kids, and write and send a letter to Santa to thank him!)
Smile More at the People I Meet. After all, I paid a lot of money for these teeth....May as well show 'em off!
Regain Princess Status...can be done with a pair fancy shoes, a shiny diamond necklace, and a new sparkly dress! Or, according to my granddaughter, I can marry a Prince...I'll take the shoes!
Redecorate My Kitchen Can you say fire engine red microwave?
Take Myself on a Date. (*Note: Going to the corner bar, the drive-thru at McDonalds or running to Kmart IS a date!)
Sleep Sounder, Dream Bigger, Live Fuller, Eat Better, Love Unconditionally, and Always, and I mean ALWAYS, Have an Alibi!

Write.
File. Select all. Post
Write.
Repeat.

Until Next Time,
Kimberly

DEEP THOUGHTS....

So, I was doing some email checking and facebook searching and came across one of those survey pages...you know the ones. Yeah, well this one was a little different. The questions it asked were very deep. Like do you want to marry and why. (okay that one a little middle school but not really) What is your purpose in life? Better. Do you think dreams have meaning? WOW! What do you want to do with your life? Hard. Who is your hero and why? Great! Do you believe in soul mates? Love it. And my personal favorite...Are you pleased with yourself and why or why not. HOLY CRAP!

Think about your answers to these questions and you may realize why I am so stunned. Normally these surveys are pointless and juvenile. This one really made me think. And I still am. I started to answer them there and realized THIS is where I need to address them.

The married one. WOW! That one, at first, seemed so 6th grade. But then I thought about the real question and my answer. First of all, a sixth grader would probably answer "YES!" without even thinking about it as she would be thinking pretty white dress, flowers, rings, romance and cake. And I think for most of us when we first got married, that IS what we were thinking. It was the WEDDING we wanted.
I can only speak for myself. But I am pretty well versed on this subject. I have been married 3 times! YEAH, I said 3. Each time was different. Each time was special. Each time was because of love but underneath that was other things. Lets tear it apart and see where I go...LOL! Might learn something about me here. HMMMMM...

Okay first time...
I was head over heels. That young fancy love. That silly young stuff. But, wow! IT WAS HUGE! Two kids but young love, pretty boy, we were doomed.

Next...
Well, it was love. He was funny and laughed a lot. He wasn't a pretty boy and due to my first husband's "cute so all the women wanted him" demeanor, I liked that. He took to my boys and wanted kids of his own. I did love him. I loved him very much. We had fun together. But, he is only good in the "honeymoon" stage and then too negative and self-centered. Three kids but couldn't take the negativity!

So, then what made me do it again? Yeah, well...
When I was 36, I met a guy. He was handsome, charming in a bad boy way, protective, outgoing, and 27! But I was crazy in love. More than I ever had been. It felt so different on so many levels. It was deep. Into my soul. He truly was my best friend. But, he was angry at life and didn't have faith that he could be loved. We loved him no matter what he did. He would curse and yell. He was rude and would just take off out of anger. We loved him anyway. This went on for years. It got better. He got better and we were good together. But, just like that it changed. He became who he used to be. Yelling and cursing. Rude. Mean. And, then he left. Just like that. I didn't chase after him like in the past and I didn't beg him to come back. We (the kids and me) let him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved him with all my heart and soul.

So, do I want to be married?
No, not because I want to be married. I want a best friend and I want to be one. Forever. Not only while it suits them or gives them something. I want a person to share my life with and be shared with. I want it to be a two way street not a one way alley. My past relationships have not be two way. In someway they were all one sided. That isn't the way it is supposed to be; I want to be loved like I love. Deeply and unconditionally. The way my parents love each other. I want to be the breath he takes every morning and the dreams he has at night. I want him to see who I really am and love me even more than he loved who he saw on the outside. I want to feel like I am his world and not question for a minute how he feels. And I want him to feel the same. No negative, self-centered wannabe bullies need apply. I want romance and tenderness. Outgoing playfulness. Strong but not mean. I want real love and if that leads to marriage, so be it. Am I looking for marriage? No! Am I looking for anything? No. If it finds me, am I ready? Yeah, I am. Do I believe in soul mates? Damn straight I do. What is my purpose? Still working on that. Am I pleased? Yes, I am. I have raised 5 great kids in times of complete stress and they love the heck out of me and I worship them! I am a good friend and a great daughter. My parents are proud of who I have become. I am funny and silly yet not immature. I can overcome huge odds. I am doing ok. Even on a bad hair day. LOL! The weight issue is there and I am at odds with it but it doesn't define who I am. I am the same person- there is just more of me to love! HA!
Again, this blog didn't turn out how I intended. But, it's here all the same. I should make notes first so I say what I want instead of my brain leading the way down the path of rambling. Oh well, the questions are here...you can still answer them. What are your thoughts? It's very therapeutic. Really. Not as good as fishing but what the heck. Still works.
I wish I were fishing. Sitting quietly on the bank, sun shining warm, soft smell of weeds and dirt, line in the water, pole in my hand, cool drink beside me, slight tug on my line...wait for it....wait for it.....ahhhhh, yes! I wish I were fishing.
Until next time.
Casey